Caught in the Crossfire and Struggling with Joy
The Journey of a Leader, Mentor and Friend
October 13, 1997.
The telephone rings and wakes me. It is Reverend Dawn Wilder, the youth pastor of my church, “Michael. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but Carlos died this morning.” I was completely unprepared for that. I felt a lump start to form in my throat so I did not ask for any other details. I didn’t even know that he was sick. I hung up the phone and started to cry. The Reverend Carlos Anthony Jones was so instrumental in my life that I was simply amazed that he was called away. What I failed to recognize at the time and that I understand more fully now, is how God used him to reach me and save me from own darkness.
November 4, 1996.
Carlos and I have not met yet. In fact, at this point in his life he is getting ready to die. He writes a letter/poem to his partner, Wayne Byrd, titled “Struggling with Joy.” In this poem he writes about his love for Wayne and the incredible joy that he brings to his life, but that there “is trouble in paradise.” His poem portrays his struggle with joy in spite of the monster called AIDS that has infected his life. He ends his poem by saying, “I’ll miss you, Boo!” This was his good-bye, but God did not take him at that time after all.
March 1997.
I am at the evening service at MCC Los Angeles. The preacher is this short African-American man preaching on the book of Job. The title of his sermon was, “Caught in the Crossfire.” I was so enthralled by his animism and passion. This was my first impression of Carlos. Fiery, passionate and strong—a far cry from where he was just a few months prior. I took notes feverishly as if every word was spoken directly to me. He noticed. The following week, he and Wayne approached me after service and gave me a card. Inside the card, they wrote, “We noticed you last week taking notes, and we are not sure what you are struggling with in your life but want you to know that if you would like, we would like to be your guardian angels.” I did not know then that their offer was going to be as important as it was.
March 13, 1997.
I found out that I was HIV positive. I told Carlos right away and he agreed to meet with me every Monday night at the church to check in with me. He met with me faithfully until I started to work and get more comfortable with what was happening to me. In my testimony that I presented to MCC Los Angeles I said the following:
Throughout the year of 1997 I was faced with many challenges. But with each challenge I faced I did NOT face that challenge alone… God was with me and led me to the evening worship service where I met Rev. Carlos Jones. His sermon hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized that God has a plan. Carlos became my mentor and sponsor for this church. He was my friend. He was with me when I was baptized and became a member of this church. I admired his passion and love for God. He was the one who actually confirmed that I could love God with just as much passion as I used to and still be who I was.
So, then, from my perspective God granted Carlos another year so that I would have the privilege of meeting him and especially to meet the Christ that was within him. The light that he carried he passed on to me and to all those that he touched. He was truly, and in many ways still is, a great leader.
Carlos Jones was born in 1962 and was ordained into ministry in the early 1980s by Reverend E. E. Stafford from the Mount Tabor Baptist church in Los Angeles. For nine years, he was the Assistant Pastor of Greater Faith Baptist Church before he became a member of Metropolitan Community Church. Under the leadership of Nancy Wilson, he served as Clergy on staff and as a Chaplain. He was also connected with many organizations in order to further his reach to as many of God’s children that may need him.
Carlos chose to view himself through the familial lens. He believed that “more than anything else family shapes the behavior of your person.” It is through the laboratory of the family scene in which a person decides who (or, who not) they want to be. His mother, Irene, was only seventeen and his father, Ron was only twenty one when they had their second son. In fits of anger his mother would often remind Carlos that he was their second mistake. In describing his family life, Carlos was careful to not incriminate his family for the turbulence he experienced in his life. Instead, he struggled to look deeply within his parents to recognize more fully God’s grace in his life.
The life of Carlos is full of deep struggles and ecstatic joys. In spite of the highs and the lows he remained faithful to God’s promise. He knew that God had a plan for him. After he graduated from college, which was the best years of his life, he “knew deep in [his] heart that God had been preparing [him] for some task… so [he] journeyed forward with confidence.” This confidence that he felt was definitely a part of his presence. He commanded attention and mesmerized those who heard him speak.
In his death, the spirit that was contained within that little body poured out into everyone that was impacted by his life.
October 18, 1997.
The Hollywood Methodist Church in downtown Hollywood, well known for the large AIDS ribbon that is on the outside wall of the church, is where the Celebration of Life took place for Carlos. Many of MCC leaders were present including Rev. Elder Nancy Wilson and Rev. Barbara Haynes. Onetta Brooks, Estella Thomas and Roger Owens were also leaders of MCC Los Angeles that were also present. I certainly felt the loss of a man who embraced the love of God so fully that I felt compelled to carry his mantle into the world. His leadership and ability to show me how much God loves me paved the way for the courageous acts that I would have to face in the future. I know that I was not the only one to feel this urgency to act because of his death.
Wayne Byrd, a deacon at MCC Los Angeles and the partner of Carlos, was usually very shy. He served faithfully as a deacon but rarely would offer any public prayer or speech because of his timidity. Carlos loved Wayne so very much. In the beginning of the poem Struggling With Joy Carlos writes about Wayne: “There’s a man in my life that brings me so much joy. When he awakes in the morning, my world is complete.” Wayne only lived a couple of years longer than Carlos, but we saw him in front of the congregation many times praying and giving testimony. His quiet voice was always full of emotion and on the brink of tears. Sometimes he wept a little. Wayne must have suffered tremendously, yet his service to the mission of the church was a testament of his deep love for Carlos. I can relate.
August 1997.
I have learned a lot from Carlos at this point. My spiritual health is strong and my life is doing well. I no longer meet with Carlos every Monday night and my life took a detour away from him as a mentor. He was my sponsor for membership to MCC and he made it to my baptism in the Pacific Ocean. This was a big moment for me, and I so badly wanted Carlos to be there. When I expressed that to him, I had no idea that he was sick. Yet, he was there and fully present. Who would have thought that he would die in just two months and that this would be the last time I saw him in the flesh.
Now.
Carlos and Wayne said to me that they would like to be like my guardian angels. In a very real way they were and they continue to still be my angels. I live my life for them and through them so that I may do as they did for me: to reach the unreachable and to show them that God loves them and has a plan for them. My strength may come from God, but they were the ones who taught me how to receive and confirm that strength.
To be certain, they are not the only leaders that have greatly influenced me in this journey I have had so far with Metropolitan Community Church. I had the great fortune to be influenced by many people, clergy and lay people alike, that demonstrated to me a new way to see the gay and lesbian community. These people gave me the opportunity to embrace and love Jesus again… but I guess more importantly, they gave me the opportunity to embrace and love myself, finally.
Michael Mallory 2007